I Couldn't Do It Until I Did

Uncle Rubel the night before the trip 

Me, circa 2006 the same night

If you’re like me, you’ve run into moments of not knowing what to do, situations of feeling stuck.  Frequently these experiences come at a time of relative peace; we’re not fighting for basic survival such as rent, water, or groceries.  Instead, we’ve found a way to make it (even if that means eating lots of lentils and saving lots). 

During these moments, we become lost.  We’re not excited.  A conversation with a friend might look like this:

Friend:  “What do you want to do this weekend?”

Me:  “I don’t know.  What do you want to do?”

Friend:  “I don’t know.”

Like most experiences with inertia, indecision begets more indecision, and it’s in these moments where we might fall into doing the activity that’s easiest.  Somewhere deep in our being, we know we really don’t want to watch Attack of the Show or Workaholics right now, but it’s what’s on the plate, so we eat it. 

This passive experience for making life choices becomes stale quickly.  Even if we like the show, movie, video game, song, photo or whatever, we still might feel a subtle “This isn’t what I really want.”

So how do we get out? 

At the heart of being stuck lies a feeling of confusion.  We really don’t feel like doing anything. 

Even so, twinges of desire may surface despite one’s inability to act.  Little inklings of what we want might become our only roadmap of what to do next.  Sometimes it might be easier for us to determine what we don’t want.  Either way, a faint light is still a light. 

Yet, even if we know we want to go to San Francisco, or Boulder Colorado, or Asheville, North Carolina, we still couldn’t possibly do those things, they’re too expensive, too far away, we’re too tired, too dark-haired.

In a fight, sometimes the best way to protect ourselves is to move straight at our opponent.  We need to hit our indecision in the mouth!  Despite the metaphor, this act doesn’t involve violence.  We simply make a choice, sometimes without thinking too much about it.

In 2006, my Uncle Rubel and I went on a road trip where we explored the towns and places where he and my father grew up---literally the links to my past.  At the time, I was a second semester freshman, and my weekends were generally spent playing capture-the-flag in the courtyard with my dorm friends---merry days indeed. 

When my uncle called me to discuss the day we’d leave for the trip, I kept saying something to the effect of, “We’ll figure it out, we’ll figure it out.” 

Finally after many promises to “figure it out,” my uncle called and said, “We need to decide right now the exact weekend we’re going to do this.” 

Immediately I felt relieved. I had been given an ultimatum.  I did select a weekend, and now I look at that as one of the most educational and full days of my life.  I won’t forget that trip.   

I think in the scenario of being stuck, we need to give ourselves ultimatums like my uncle gave me.  When we do turn the ignition, we might find we’re not as tired, busy, or as frozen as we thought we’d be. 

We’re excited. 

During the trip, Uncle Rubel showed me the land in Corinth, Mississippi where my Grandparents lived.